On Spanking

One of the best lessons that children need to learn is that there is good and bad and right and wrong…and that what they want or what they think is not always right. When the Bible (especially Proverbs) talks of the Fear of the Lord leading us to wisdom, perhaps we can also think that the fear of parents (i.e. the fear of children for their parents) leads to wisdom. One major issue for parents of young children is whether or not to spank or physically punish (not abuse!) their children. Many people I know are not in favor of spanking their children. There are a variety of reasons for this: 1) I don’t want to physically hurt my child, because it is bad to hurt others. 2) I just can’t do it because it hurts me to hit my kids. 3) My child will not learn anything for the better; it is far better to reason with our children. 4) My child is good and does not need so serious a punishment.

The first reason is terrible, for it does not spell out a good reason for not spanking. The second reason is also unthinking, but more selfish. The third reason appears to be good, but is actually not. The fourth reason is valid. It is good to state here that many people are against spanking because many parents spank out of anger and do it in a wrong way, so it is best to avoid spanking all together. This argument does not hold in regards to other topics, i.e. marriage (I believe that most people in North America do not understand marriage and often go about it in the wrong way, but I will not say that no one should ever get married, for I know that it can be done in the right way) and it does not hold in the case of spanking either. There are many bad people and we will not put an end the human race simply because no body is perfect. Often the bad apple does not spoil the whole bunch, but makes the whole bunch less appealing, though they have not spoilt.

If spanking does not help our children then I agree that we should not spank. But I believe that spanking is a tool in the school of wisdom. When parents spank their children for the right reasons (to teach the child that he is wrong or has gone astray and done something wrong, and when this is done not in a fit of rage, but in the right frame of mind) their child will (eventually) learn that their parents wish that they (the child) do what is best, not simply what they want, for they do not always want what is best, and, often, what is best does not feel good. For instance, an eighteen-month old does not want to get his shots. It is not fun to be stuck with a needle, for the process is painful and makes the child question the parent’s love. But the shot is for the child’s good, and the parent believes that the child will get over the trauma of the experience, and learn that their parents usually try to do what is best for the child. If the child sees that the parent’s habit towards them is love and goodness, then the child will interpret such pain (which was partially inflicted by the parent) as the parent probably still loving the child, although it doesn’t seem like that at the time.

If a child is to grow up in the way of reason, humility, and openness to others, the child must learn to know that he is not always right, and that he should be more open to being good, or else he will suffer punishment/ correction.

But we can still reply to my essay by stating the second part of 3), which is: “It is far better to reason with our children.” True. It is best to reason with children that can understand and implement what they have learned. However, young children are often unable to reason, so what are we to do with them, simply to distract them from the wrong they are doing, or teach them that whenever they do a certain thing (i.e. get too close to the top of the stairs) they get hurt by mommy or daddy? That way they can start to reason for themselves about what to do or not do rather than having the parents do everything for the child. So distraction is not the most helpful, for it doesn’t help the child to reason and think.

Also, sometimes we need to be shocked out of doing something bad, or else we will not get out of the bad habit. Physical punishment can be much more clear and more shocking than verbal reasoning. (especially for those who do not understand words yet, or do not understand them well enough, or who need a ‘bad attitude’ rehabilitated). Perhaps, then, we can call spanking “physical reasoning”, and then it can be said that spanking is a form of reasoning, and, in fact, it helps children to be able to reason better, to be better people, directed not to their own whims, but to what is good and true.

Parents who care for their children must help their children to seek out truth and to do what is good. Enabling selfishness by teaching your kids that they always know what is best is immoral. I hope that the “anti spankers” now understand that, although parents don’t always use corporal (bodily) punishment with the right attitude and for the right reasons, that spanking is not evil in and of itself, but can be a tool in the parent’s toolbox, helping them to properly raise their children to reach their full potential, and to flourish during adulthood and adolescence.

This essay was written after spending some time listening to friends and relatives who take issue with more traditional parental methods such as spanking and making their children eat food that they don’t want or making children follow a strict bedtime. Perhaps the same principles from the above essay can be applied to other questions, such as forcing children to eat foods that they don’t want to eat.

Of course, I have not addressed every angle that this issue of training your child in wisdom through imposing the parent’s will, but I think that I have made it clear that parents should not be imposing their own will just for the sake of getting what they want, but that they do whatever they do from sound reason and love for their children.

As “the fear of the Lord” is the first step to wisdom, a child’s fear of their parents’ wrath (and by wrath I mean that kind of energy that is aroused in us to deal with evil and vice) is also a step in the direction of wisdom. Fear of evil is a good thing, for we should be scared of getting fat if we eat too many candies and fearful of losing our house if we cannot pay the mortgage, and we should be afraid that we can separate ourselves from God. These fears stimulate us to do what is right. However, fear can move us to do what is wrong (cheat on a test because we are fearful of not passing, or not doing the right thing because we fear that others will hate us for doing what is good, or fearing that God wants to be separated from us).

In order to understand this fear, let me turn to a Catholic Thomist named Josef Pieper, who I respect. Here is a summary of his words of Fear of the Lord:

1- Servile Fear: imperfect fear of the Lord. Fears the loss of personal fulfillment in eternal life. Though it is imperfect, it is still good. Decreases as man’s nature is the more deeply penetrated by his love of friendship with God. Prepares the soul for wisdom. Kind of being afraid of God (‘s punishment). Corresponds to concupiscent love of God. Fears the gain of an evil.
2- Filial/Chaste Fear: more truly fear. Love transforms servile fear to a chaste and filial fear. To see sin as sin. Sin is evil to a greater degree than the actual punishment is. More grieved at the actual possible wrong than about being punished for it. Filial fear increases (not in frequency, but in amplitude?) as the intensity with which we love God. This is because the one who truly sees the good/God knows what he can lose. They see more clearly. The first fruit of wisdom itself. Being afraid of actual evil. This kind of fear does not destroy the mental operations, as anxiety (servile fear) does. Corresponds to caritas love of God. Fears the loss of a good.

In writing this, it is not simply my hope to assert my own beliefs, nor do I wish to condemn parents who have chosen not to spank their children because I know that they only wish to do the best for their children. I am, however, questioning those parents who do not spank their children if they are loving their children in the best possible way. On the other hand, those parents who hit their children out of rage and irrationalism must be chastised for raising children that often end up being hateful, distrustful of good authorities, and encouraging their children to live in fear and to not understand love and the difference between good and evil. Let us teach our children to be afraid of the right things and to love the right things, for their good and ours.

In the last analysis, I am not in favor of spanking in and of itself. I am in favor of goodness and truth. And it is for the sake of goodness and truth that I am in favor of spanking.

Parenting takes a love so consistent and pure. None of us can love in this perfect way, but that isn’t to say that we shouldn’t try or that God cannot help us. But as much as possible, let our children learn of God’s character through knowing ours. Help us, Lord.

Afterthought: All issues to do with morality rely on the virtue of prudence, which is the ability to do what is right in varying situations. General guidelines are good, but no person or situation is the same. Give us prudence, Lord.